Black Lives Matter

I hate feeling like this. I wander around Twitter and Facebook… and all I can do is barely hold back from weeping.

I want to believe things are better now than when any of us were children. Then, like a haunting and lilting tune, something like what happened to Michael Brown, Sean Bell, and Tamir Rice happens. Each time, something my mother once told me creeps back into my memories: “We’ve come a long way, but we’ve got a long way to go.”

Try as I might, the peacekeeper in me gets silenced by the activist in me every time. I can’t be out there marching… and the thought is eating me alive. So, likely to the annoyance of family and friends, I’ve made my voice heard online. Sorry if it annoys you, but this is my way to vent.

This story, and all others like it, I’ve followed for years. I’ve prayed, hoped, wished… nothing. I can’t stand this anymore!

I can’t stand feeling fear. Fear for my brother, my son, my cousins, friends from the old neighborhood, my brothers from other mothers, my sisters from other misters, friends from CUA and MSU.

I can’t stand feeling helpless. I can’t stand pretending to be okay with the status quo any longer. If remaining quiet only earns me a false sense of protection, I think I’d rather take my chances screaming to the heavens.

So I apologize to anyone that I make uncomfortable. I’m sorry if I run you out of my life. Forgive me if you get sick of seeing my name on your newsfeed or timeline.

But I’ve spent far too much of my life being quiet.

Time for a Change

I’m officially one frustrated, aggravated, absolutely pissed off woman anymore.

I’ve gotten to the point where I am overly frustrated with life and with the way things are. I’m pretty much floating through life right now hoping for different.

It’s time for a change.

There are some things that are outside of my control, like the bullshit that other people choose to put me through. However, there are ways that I can combat that bullshit. Plus, there’s also that little thing called kicking people out of my life.

There are other things that are within my control. My problem, unfortunately, is two-fold: getting over the feeling of failure with even the slightest stumble…and avoiding the feelings of procrastination and apathy creeping into my mind.

Sigh.

I’m trying my hardest to keep it together, but I have to admit that it’s difficult. I’ve been told to pray on the situation, but there have been times that I believed that God had/has given up on me.

I’ve tried telling myself that things will get better…but a part of me refuses to believe it. I try telling myself that I’m still standing, but a cynical part of me constantly asks what my definition of “still standing” is.

Again, it’s time for a change.

It’s funny…I mentioned a couple of the things I wanted to accomplish on my Facebook page and asked for people to join me. Instead, I got people who wanted to sell me on some other stuff rather than what I was trying to accomplish. So, I’ve come to the conclusion that either I’m on my own or I need to find people who are on the same page as me.

Don’t get me wrong. Recently, I’ve taken some baby steps in the right direction. However, I’ve stumbled quite a few times already. I’m trying to roll with the punches, but it’s been difficult at best.

So now the question on my mind is this: where do I go from here?

Frustration

I’m just…blah.

I’m feeling frustrated as of late. I have all these plans, all these ideas, all these things I wanna get done or accomplish…

…and no motivation or “get up and go” whatsoever.

How the Hell am I supposed to get anything accomplished if this keeps happening?

I can’t understand it. I can’t shake it, no matter how much I want to. It sucks, to be honest with you. I just want to get things done. I can’t figure out how to make this go away so I can let the ambitious part of me take over.

I have a list of things I need to get done: start an exercise routine, fix my daily diet (not the lose weight kind of diet, but the overall way I eat…my lifestyle, basically), gut out a room of the house to redesign it, do spring cleaning…

Any suggestions to get rid of this “pfft” feeling I’ve been having?

Angry for Them

Explain something to me…

WHEN WAS IT ACCEPTABLE TO TEAR PEOPLE AWAY FROM THEIR FAMILIES SO OTHERS CAN SHOP ON THANKSGIVING DAY?!

It’s messed up that families, like mine, get wrecked on days like this. And for what? More shopping hours?

Of course you know the corporate folks get to enjoy their Thanksgiving with their families…

To see the faces of everyone working broke my heart. Some looked like they wanted to cry. Some looked depressed. Still others looked unbelievably upset.

I’m angry for them…